


love is only for the brave

by ciminos



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, High School, Humor, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29189463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciminos/pseuds/ciminos
Summary: Victor hates valentine's day, but the cute boy in his biology class makes him hate it a little bit less.
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Comments: 13
Kudos: 47
Collections: Venji Fic Fests: Valentine's Day 2021





	love is only for the brave

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in the span of 24 hours but I just miss them so much so I had to !! enjoy !

Victor hates February. He hates the pink hearts and the red roses. He hates the couples that hold hands as they walk in the hallway and the ones who drape over each other at the lunch tables.

It would be one thing if the people at Creekwood celebrated Valentine's day for _one_ day, you know, as a normal person would. But for nearly the _entire_ month every person at school has those dumb love-struck eyes as they stare at their crush from across the classroom. The eyes that make Victor want to shove his head down a toilet every time he sees them. 

And yes, he is jealous. Jealous that he’s never had that special someone to give flowers to just-because or give a good-morning-kiss to as they meet in the courtyard before class starts, but he doesn’t let anyone know that. Instead, he chooses to scoff and rolls his eyes every time Felix and Lake stick their tongues down each other's throats or Mia and Andrew walk each other to class. When deep down that’s all he really wants.

It especially didn’t help that he was about 500 feet into the closet, crammed into the back corner as far as he could possibly force himself. 

It’s not that Victor was ashamed of being out to the world, he honestly wanted nothing more than to be able to break down the doors he was trapped behind and be who he truly felt like he was inside, but it wasn’t that easy.

His family was, truth be told, a few arguments away from completely falling apart. If his family was a building it would be deteriorating quickly from the inside out. Victor would be the foundation, strong, reliable, and probably the only thing keeping the home from crumbling to the ground and turning to dust. 

Coming out to them would be like taking a wrecking ball and crashing it into the base of the home, completely destroying the foundation the entire house is secure on and toppling it all over onto it. 

So, Victor stays silent. He pretends to be attracted to the girls he’s supposed to be attracted to when he watches movies with Felix and he tells his parents at dinner about his crush in biology class. (Purposely leaving out the fact that his crush happens to be a boy.) 

Maybe one day Victor would be able to tell his parents the truth, but that day certainly wasn’t coming any time soon. 

**

It’s two weeks before Valentine's day, _two entire weeks_ , when Victor notices pink paper hearts taped to every single locker leading down the hallway. There are also red rose petals all delicately placed down in front of a single locker farther down from where he’s currently standing, mind blown. Because, _what?_ Roses are so expensive on their own and apparently there are people in high school who can not only afford them but can also afford to tear them apart and sprinkle them down the hallway. Honestly, he was convinced that people had _too_ much money at this school. 

He takes in the people around him as they all notably pull out their phones and record a student as he leads his blindfolded girlfriend to the front of her locker and then unveils a bouquet of roses and a large sign asking her to be his valentine in giant sparkly paint. _just two more weeks_ he repeats to himself as he pulls out his books from his locker and shoves them into his backpack. _Two more weeks and these lovesick kids return to normal, as normal as it got around there._

He takes out everything he needs for his next class, being sure he has enough pens and pencils to get him through the day and swings the locker door closed, however, he nearly jumps when a familiar face meets his own as the door slams. It mimics his own heartbeat that pounds so heavily he can feel it in his throat.

It was Benji from his biology class. Because, as if the universe didn’t prove it hated Victor enough by sitting a cute boy directly next to him in class, the same boy’s locker was also right next to his. Dear universe, and he couldn’t emphasize this enough, fuck you. 

Since being sat next to each other in class, the two of them had actually become pretty good friends. Victor had initially hoped that a growing friendship with the boy would dwindle any sort of feelings he felt towards him, however, it was far from the case. 

Today he’s wearing a black band-tee under a dark denim jacket with a few rips down the sleeves, which is paired with blue skinny jeans that, unfortunately for Victor’s sake, cling to his legs and show off his fit figure. 

Victor wished he could ignore his feelings for his classmate but in reality, every time he tried to they only strengthened, similar to a hydra. 

Victor curses at the air under his breath when he catches himself staring before he speaks, 

“Hey, Benji.”

“Oh, hey Victor what’s up?” Benji asks as he looks up from where he had been organizing the inside of his own locker. 

Victor glances inside and notices that his entire locker is perfectly laid out. Each book in order from first period to sixth was perfectly placed along the bottom. There was a shelf that separated the locker into two parts and Victor noticed there was a black cylinder full of freshly sharpened pencils, a small plastic container that had packs of gum stacked inside, and a small metal tin filled with color-coordinated paper clips that were on the top half of the shelf.

He also noticed that taped inside his locker were a few photos, one seemingly of him and his family, and the others of scenic shots from around the city. It almost made Victor feel bad in comparison because his own locker was messy and disorganized, loose papers sticking out of notebooks and crumpled up bathroom passes littered around inside. It was honestly just a metaphor for his life. 

“Just getting ready for English,” he grins as he rubs the back of his neck with the palm of his hand, attempting to calm the nerves he could feel growing as if they were slowly snaking up the back of his spine and wrapping around his head, “and don’t worry, I’ve got my own pencil for once and won’t be needing to borrow one once we’re in Bio.”

Benji chuckles, “Wow! I already put an extra one in my backpack just for you, I’m thinking about getting it labeled ‘ _Victor’s pencil_ ’”.

“Well honestly this is just a once in a lifetime occurrence, I’ll definitely forget to bring one tomorrow,” Victor’s grin widens, “you’re lucky to be alive to witness such a rare moment in time.”

“Oh _wow_ ,” Benji gapes as he pulls out his phone, “quick hold up your pencil, I have to capture this moment and frame it since it’ll never happen again as long as I’m alive.”

Victor only snickers before reaching into his side pocket and grasping his pencil tightly in his hand. He pulls it up in front of his face and places it between his upper lip and his nose, scrunching his lips up so that it stays in place. 

He hears Benji giggle and snap the picture before he pulls his phone back down. He’s about to look over when a piercing scream startles the both of them and both their heads quickly turn towards farther down the hallway. They land on a girl who’s getting handed a small black box and a box of chocolates.

“Oh my god did those two just get engaged?” Victor gasps.

“You realize we’re in high school, right?” Benji laughs as he shakes his head and steps closer, “it’s probably just a valentine’s day ring.”

“A Valentines day _ring_? Honestly, I have had it up to here with you rich people,” Victor exhales as he turns his back towards the couple and faces Benji, “people here do know that Valentine's day is two weeks away right?” 

“Well yeah, but when you’ve got that much money you’d probably take any excuse to spend it.” Benji shrugs as he turns to walk down the hallway but stops when he notices that Victor isn’t following him. He only raises an eyebrow until Victor realizes and begins walking as well.

It had almost become a daily ritual to them, Victor and Benji would happen to be at their lockers at the same time and decide to walk to their 3rd periods together. Victor didn’t actually know where Benji’s class was, but it must have been close to his own since he always ended up walking with him. 

The two’s only shared class together was Biology which happened to be their last class of the day, so the time at their lockers was the only other time they saw each other the entire day. 

So, sometimes if Benji wasn’t there by the time Victor was ready to head to class, maybe he would make himself busy by ‘looking for a specific paper’ just so that he could leave with him once he showed up. And maybe he would risk being late to class just so he could talk to him a little longer.

It was almost desperate, and part of Victor told himself that he needed to stop because he was only hurting himself. There was no point in wasting his time on silly crushes when he couldn’t be with them even if he somehow got the chance.

Benji had this picture-perfect life of happy families and open sexualities and Victor almost envied him. He knew that it would be hard for Benji to be with someone who wasn’t free like him. He also knew that he could never have either of those things, let alone both at the same time. So, on those days when the thoughts took over he would force himself to walk to class alone and picture what conversation he would be having if Benji was actually there. It was insane how much of an impact the boy had on his life. 

However, there were days when he was able to ignore the penetrating thoughts long enough until the other boy to show up. It was crazy how once he was with Benji he was almost able to forget about every struggle and problem he had. Of course, Benji wasn’t a permanent solution. There was nothing that could help the intrusive thoughts that bounced around his head or the fights at home that drained him to the point where he didn’t even want to move, but he certainly did help. 

“Wow, no wonder I’m not having much luck in the love department, I’m about hundreds of thousands of dollars short.” Victor jokes as he passes by several couples, all dressed in their nicest clothes and fanciest accessories. He makes note of their Rolex watches and branded jewelry which all definitely cost more than his family’s monthly rent. 

“Maybe you’re just not looking hard enough.” Benji says quietly, just above a whisper, so quiet that Victor almost doesn’t notice. He’s about to respond until he looks up and realizes they’re approaching his classroom. 

“And we’ve arrived at la clase de Victor!” Benji smiles as he gestures with both of his hands towards the open door. 

Victor smiles at the use of Spanish and thinks back to a few months ago at the start of the year when Victor had said the same phrase to him. Since then, whenever the two of them had finished their classwork early in biology, they would pass the time practicing Spanish. 

Victor would teach Benji whatever phrases he wanted to know and he was honestly getting pretty good. Once he had invited Benji over to his house to work on a group project and was amazed that he was able to hold nearly an entire conversation in Spanish with his mom. 

“Yay, inglés.” Victor says as monotone as possible and watches as Benji’s smile widens, “see you in bio.”

“See you then.”

**

It’s around 1:32 and Victor is in his second to last period of the day when he gets called into the principal's office over the loudspeaker. He feels embarrassment swell within him as judgmental eyes from his fellow classmates fall onto him. He uses all his strength to not give them the finger. He instead only sighs before slowly packing up his stuff and heading out the door. 

Once he reaches the main office his eyes land onto Pilar who is sitting in a wooden chair by the front desk with an ice pack clutched between her two hands. She hears his footsteps as he walks in and waves him over. Victor can tell his face must be swelling with confusion because she looks up at him with concern.

“What’s going on? What are you doing here?” Victor asks as he slides into the seat beside her and surveys the room. 

The only other people besides the two of them in the office are a few teachers who are all quietly chatting amongst themselves next to the coffee counter, as well as the principal who is in her own corner of the office with her door slightly ajar. 

“Well, let’s just say that these girls had it coming.” Pilar states flatly.

“Oh my God, Pilar did you punch someone?”

“ _What_? No! are you crazy?” She gasps, “I just said some things that they didn’t necessarily want to hear, so now… here I am.”

“Then what’s with the ice pack?” He raises an eyebrow as his eyes dart between the cold compress in her hands and her flabbergasted expression. 

“I was warm so I asked the nurse for an ice pack.” She states as if that should have been the first thing he guessed. 

“Right..” is all he says, but he feels himself relax a little, settling farther into his seat, “well why am I here?”

“Well, I may have gotten suspended…And before you freak out,“ Victor could already feel himself starting to freak out. He sat up straight in his chair with his eyes widened, “…it’s not that big of a deal.”

Victor audible inhales as he stares blankly down at his little sister, “have you met our parents?” 

“Yes, which is why you’re here…they’re coming to pick us both up, something about being in trouble or whatever.”

“ _Me?_ ” He wants to raise his voice but opts against it as they were still in the nearly deadly silent office. He chooses to whisper but hopes his tone and facial expression showcase everything he feels inside. Great. 

**

As soon as Victor steps into the car he is met with two very angry voices, both speaking over each other to where he couldn’t even make out what they were saying. However, he was so used to the arguing at this point that it didn’t even affect him. He only sighed before speaking up and over the both of them, 

“Alright, one at a time, or we’ll never get anywhere.” He reasons and watches as their mouths clamp shut. Sometimes he nearly forgot that he was actually one of the kids in the family and not an adult. 

One time his family had broken into a fight over what was playing on the TV during family movie night while Felix was over and he had told him the next day that he could have believed that Victor was actually the parent of the house.

He had been embarrassed at first but eventually, he realized it was nice to have just one person who knew about his not-so-perfect family life. Someone he could talk to and would listen whenever he just needed to get things off his chest.

Of course, he couldn’t tell him everything. The whole, being so far deep in the closet he’d probably get lost if he tried to get out, but that was probably for the best. That was an entirely different problem that _nobody_ was allowed to hear.

“Pilar, I am so disappointed. I can’t even believe this.” His mom speaks first. 

“But mom-“

“Yeah Pilar,” his dad interrupts, “I thought you were better than this.”

“Hey, everyone gets a chance to speak.” Victor scolds. Literal children. He was in the car with literal children. 

They continue having a back and forth, Victor occasionally having to interrupt someone whenever they started to get a little too hostile, but eventually, they get to a point when his parents’ blood is no longer boiling and they make their way home. They drive in almost peaceful silence and in that moment Victor imagines what it would be like to be in a loving and non-toxic family. 

He imagines going out to dinner and laughing as they all share stories from their day. He imagines going on road trips in the Summer where they grow closer as they travel around several different states. He imagines taking pictures together where all 5 of them are smiling and seem happy and carefree. He imagines spending time together outside of when they’re forced to.

Having a family like that felt impossible to him, like he almost couldn’t believe that they existed. 

Once they finally get back to their apartment, Pilar immediately stomps into her room and slams the door. Victor sighs praying his mom didn’t hear it since she was farther behind the two of them as they went up the stairs and lets out a sigh of relief when he notices she didn’t. He tosses his backpack onto the bench next to the front entrance and deposits himself down onto the couch. 

He doesn’t let himself get too comfortable as he knows his parents still want to have a talk with him and God knows what it could be about. Instead, he pulls out his phone and notices that he has several texts from Benji,

_From: Señor Benji  
To: Victor_

_Hey where are you?_

_Are you late? You’re missing a riveting debate between Andrew and Mr. Parker._

_Don’t tell me you lost your pencil and are currently looking for it._

Victor smiles as he reads through the texts before quickly responding, 

_From: Victor  
To: Señor Benji_

_Oh how you underestimate me, of course I still have my pencil…somewhere._

Victor chuckles at his own joke and pictures Benji doing the same, 

_Really though, I’m at a doctor's appointment, totally forgot I had one today! Keep my seat warm!_

Victor’s smile fades as he types out the blatant lie. For some reason whenever he talked to Benji he felt like he needed to be honest about everything. And he meant _everything_. It was like Benji was this magnet that would only pull the truth out and would repel anything that was remotely close to a lie, it was honestly scary. 

He felt guilty, like Benji deserved to know the truth. Like he didn’t deserve to be lied to even though it wasn’t like he was choosing to lie. If Victor had the choice to be honest he would happily choose it, but he simply didn’t. There was never a choice for him.

Victor had never felt that way before about anyone and it honestly worried him how fast his feelings for the other boy were developing. 

He swallows down those painful thoughts however and doesn’t dare to focus on the subject of love anymore. He is very much in denial and he knows it, he prays to whatever God there is that his feelings go away soon. Not only for his sake but for the other boy's and his entire family's as well. 

His parents eventually make their way into the apartment after about 10 minutes and sink in next to him on the couch. He pauses the TV that he had turned on as he was waiting for them and patiently waits for them to speak. 

“So, Victor,” His dad starts, Victor hopes that he couldn’t hear his own breathing start to become heavier, “have you got a date for Valentine’s yet.”

Victor feels his mouth comically drop open as his parents stare at him waiting for an answer, curiosity painted innocently across both their faces. His heartbeat that had been rapidly beating now nearly frozen in shock. Seriously? Them too? Was there anyone in the entire world not obsessed with that damn holiday, 

“I’m confused, I thought I was in trouble?” He questions after a few seconds of trying to process what exactly was going on.

“What? Why would you think that?” His mom chimes in. 

“Um…because I should be in school right now and yet… here I am.” 

“Ohh... We just figured we’d pick you up as well so that you wouldn’t have to walk home later.” She shrugs. 

Well, he is definitely going to kill Pilar for stressing him out for no reason since she definitely did it on purpose, but at least he’s in the clear. 

“Oh.. well no, I don’t.”

“Wow! Maybe you could ask that girl in your biology class!” His mom smiles. 

_Girl._ He mentally grimaces at the word and tries not to let it show on his face. Maybe to someone else it would be funny that his parents automatically assume that his crush was a girl, but certainly not to him and certainly not now. 

“Yeah, maybe.” Victor exhales a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in before heading into his room.

He jumps onto his bed face first, face buried in pillows and arms spread out. He lays there for a few minutes before quickly getting up and putting in his headphones. 

It was weird but he couldn’t handle being alone with his thoughts. He always felt them eating away at him and the second he was not preoccupied they would come swarming out. 

So, instead of dealing with them as a normal, sensible person would do, he distracts himself with anything he can think of. Whether that was tidying his room or listening to music or even organizing his closet, he was always doing _something_. 

His family was always at each other's throats so any time he was able to have to himself did not need to be spent on even more stress. So, he shoved every sad thought down, even if he could feel it slowly tearing him apart. Even if one day he would bottle up too many things and every secret he had would tip over and spill out, he still did it. He kept secrets from everyone he knew. Whether it was his own parents or even his closest friends, he had so many secrets that he was basically an entirely different person. It was as if he was playing a part whenever he was around anyone, and he was honestly getting pretty good at it. 

So good at it that he could slowly feel himself losing a part of who he truly was, but maybe that was a good thing, at least, that’s what he hoped.

**

It’s about 6 pm when Victor is woken up by the sound of his phone vibrating on top of his desk from across the room. He had opted to take a nap after finishing all his homework early since he got out of school sooner than usual. 

Groaning, he slowly crawls across his bed and extends his arm out as far as he can until he manages to grab onto his phone. He nearly falls face-first onto the floor but he manages to steady himself. He shakes his head from relief before getting back under the covers and pulling his phone up in front of his face. 

The phone had stopped vibrating by the time he was comfortable again but he notices his most recent notification is a missed FaceTime call from Benji. 

All the drowsiness that he had felt immediately vanishes and he feels his entire body go stiff. He slides on the notification to call Benji and is instantly taken back when he answers on the second ring. 

“Oh, hey Victor!” Benji’s voice chimes. All Victor can make out is the other boy's ceiling once the video connects so he assumes that Benji had answered and then placed his phone down onto his bed.

“Hey, Benji.” Victor groans, voice still gruff from sleep.

From the other end of the line Victor sees Benji pick up his phone and stare down at him with his eyebrows scrunched together amused, 

“You okay over there?”

“Sorry, I just woke up.” Victor chuckles as he rolls over onto his side, keeping his phone directly in front of him, the light from it illuminating his nose and top half of his face. He squints from the brightness and tries to hide his eyes with his loose arm.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to wake you!” Benji pouts as he places his phone down onto his desk and plops himself down into his chair. He pulls his arm up and places his head in the palm of his hand and Victor was almost intimidated. 

He was wearing something different than what he had seen him in earlier today, now wearing a navy blue hoodie with the strings tied into a tiny bow. 

“Nah it’s fine, I should be awake now anyway.” Victor waves him off but realizes that Benji couldn’t see it due to the darkness of his room so he laughs to himself. 

“Good!” Benji smiles, and despite the terrible quality from FaceTime, Victor could tell it was just as attractive as it was in real life. He doesn’t let that thought linger for long though, “Missed you today in Bio though! It was _crazy_ ”. 

“Well, I’m deeply intrigued now so tell me everything and don’t miss a single detail.” Victor chuckles as he sits up in his bed and listens intensely. 

Benji tells him the entire story, going into as much detail as he possibly can. Apparently, Mr. Parker had caught Andrew on his phone in class and had read his incoming texts out loud. Victor was honestly glad he missed that though because knowing Andrew it was probably something he didn’t need to hear. Or rather something _anybody_ needed to hear. 

They move on to talking about other events that happened throughout the day, Victor tells Benji about a girl in his English who got asked to be someone’s valentine in the middle of class when nearly the entire class erupted into a dance mob seemingly out of nowhere. 

Benji doesn’t even believe him until Victor pulls up a video of it on his laptop. They laugh when Benji points out Victor in the corner of the video, sitting at his desk staring in utter disbelief and disgust. 

“I’m telling you this school is _obsessed_ with Valentines day! It’s starting to freak me out!” Victor shouts into the phone as Benji bursts into laughter on the other side of the line. He closes his laptop and tosses it farther down his bed, shaking his head in disappointment. 

“I don’t see what’s wrong with showing a little love.” Benji chuckles.

“No, a little love is fine, but thousand dollar rings and flash mobs are too much for high school romance, actually scratch that they’re too much for romance in general!” 

“Can’t say I disagree with you there,” Benji sighs contently, “but don’t be such a Valentine’s-day-version of the grinch.” He scolds.

“Hey, I’d wear that title with honor, sir,” Victor giggles, “screw love.”

“Yeah... screw love.” 

**

Victor arrives at school a little earlier than usual today because he had gotten ready faster than he normally did. It was actually nice to be out of the house sooner because he managed to catch a glimpse of the sunrise than he normally would have missed by the time he regularly left home. 

Once he swings open the front doors to the school he notices a line of people against the back wall. He isn’t exactly sure what they’re waiting for but he plans on paying them no mind until he spots Felix and Lake both in line and makes his way over.

“Hey, Victor, here early today?” Felix beams as he reaches up and runs his knuckles across the top of Victor’s head as if he was a little kid despite being decently taller than him. 

Victor pulls away and glares but breaks laughter a few seconds later, “Yeah, productive morning,” he shrugs, “so what’s this line for?”

“Common Victor you can’t be _that_ anti-love that you aren’t even aware of the Valentine's day dance.” Lake exclaims.

“Honestly you guys and your school dances… I swear we’ve had like ten already this year,” Victor exclaims dramatically, “However I’m glad my brand of being anti-love is sticking so thank you for acknowledging it.” 

“I see it more as you being a desperate romantic but you do you.” 

“Absolutely not!” Victor gasps, “I take back my thanks, you don’t know me at all.” Victor exclaims as he marches off but turns back around quickly to send a smile towards the two of them who burst into laughter. Truth be told, Lake was right, but he certainly wouldn’t be telling her that, or anyone else for that matter. 

Nobody needed to know that as much as he wanted to be one of those couples in line happily waiting to buy tickets to the school dance together, it would never be a reality for him. 

He walks down the line as it leads towards the cafeteria and takes note of all the smiling faces, truly sickening. It’s like they were _trying_ to rub it in his face. He’s about to make a right and head towards his locker when he spots another familiar face in line. Benji.

“Benji?” Victor questions as he walks up to him. 

“Oh, hey Victor!” He grins. 

“I thought we hated love! Yet here you are in line the very next day to buy tickets for the dance? You people make me sick I can never trust you.” He shakes his head rapidly back and forth. 

“Hey! I have not changed! I’m just here to save the spot for my friend,” Benji defends, “Screw love.” He grabs onto Victors shoulders to stop him from moving his head. 

“Good, screw love.” Victor nods in agreement as he brings his arms up and places his hands on top of Benji’s own. They stay like that a little longer than they should and Victor feels his face start to heat as he looks back into the other boy's eyes. However, before he can acknowledge it he feels his shoulders grow cold as Benji pulls away in order to step forward in line. 

“So, what are _you_ doing here so early?” He questions, “sure _you_ aren’t the one secretly here to buy tickets?”

Victor audibly gags as he steps forward as well, “Nope, just got ready early and decided to come here.” 

“Hmm… makes sense. Well, want to wait in line with me?” Benji offers as he scoots over enough for Victor to get close behind him in line. 

“Sure.”

**

Victor leaves Benji before they reach the front of the line as he needed to get breakfast from the cafeteria before it closed, but Benji reassured him that it was fine as the people he was saving a spot for would be coming soon anyway. 

Victor picks out a banana, a blueberry muffin, and a carton of orange juice from the breakfast bar and tosses them all into his backpack. He didn’t like to eat inside the cafeteria because it was always too loud and overwhelming when he was alone. 

He instead chooses to head over to his locker and pull out everything he needed for class which would be starting pretty soon. He balances his now-opened drink carefully atop his textbooks as he grabs his laptop charger and other random materials he may need from the top shelf of his locker. 

He’s mid-sip when an unfamiliar voice calls his name from a couple of feet behind him. He nearly chokes on his drink and lets out a few coughs before turning around and meeting eyes with the voice. 

Victor recognized her from one of his classes but if he was completely honest he couldn’t even think of her name. 

“Hey?” He says as if it’s a question.

The girl smiles back at him and he mirrors the expression. She has light brown hair that flows down to the middle of her back and her eyes are a golden color which reflect speckles of green back at him. She’s dressed in super tight black jeans paired with a white blouse and silver earrings which probably solely cost more than his entire outfit combined. She’s also decently shorter than him despite wearing black boots that have a couple of inches of heel on them. 

“Hey, you probably don’t recognize me but I sit behind you in Geometry.”

“Oh, yeah of course I do!” It’s a lie, but that’s all he did these days anyway. Besides, she sat _behind_ him, he had an excuse to not recognize her. 

“Oh, good! Well, this might be coming on a little strong, but I’ve had a crush on you for a while now,” Victor’s entire body freezes in place, “and I was wondering if you’d maybe want to go to the dance with me?”

Victor opens and closes his mouth a few times, not exactly sure what to say and unable to find the right words. Sure, she was beautiful, and honestly if he liked girls he could totally see himself happily going to the dance with her, but yet no matter how hard he had tried in the past, he just couldn’t.

She seemed sweet though, her eyes scrunched together and her grin wide and bright. 

He isn’t sure how long he stays there in silence, but it must be long enough to where she gets the hint because she speaks again, “Oh, you must have a date already, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make this awkward.”

And thank god she spoke because he honestly would have stood there forever in a painfully awkward silence if he had to,

“Y-yeah I'm sorry, me and my _girlfriend_ are going together.” The words burn his tongue as they come out, all painfully dripping with guilt and disgust. A _girlfriend_. He surely had girls that were friends but a girlfriend was an entirely different story. 

He had tried back in Texas to have a girlfriend, he even had one for a brief period in time, of course, that was until things started to take a more serious route and he broke up with her. It was hard, he never wanted to be someone who caused someone else pain, he would always much rather suffer himself than cause someone else to. 

So since then, he had told anyone who asked that he had a girlfriend, yet the words never got easier. No matter how many times he lied the word always made him feel wrong, guilty even. 

“Oh, of course, someone like you would have a girlfriend. I should have figured.” Victor almost wants to laugh but he knows it isn’t an appropriate time so he bites his lip to hold it in. What could that possibly mean? 

He tugs on his sleeve to deal with the awkward tension surrounding the two of them and looks down at the ground. He feels the air around them tighten as if it’s a balloon getting closer and closer to bursting. 

He doesn’t say anything else and instead watches her feet as they eventually walk away down the hall. If he was honest though he probably felt more embarrassed at the moment than she did. 

He could feel his thoughts start to chew at him so he shakes his head in an attempt to skew them and goes back to digging in his locker.

It’s not that he didn’t feel bad for her, of course he did, but he felt worse about having to tell yet another person an outrageous lie. The entire sentence left a sour taste in his mouth. He takes another sip of his orange juice to be rid of the pain in his throat and pulls his final textbook out of his locker. 

He notices Benji coming his way however, so he chugs the rest of his drink and throws it in the garbage next to him, trying to quickly get ready for class so that they could chat without him having to worry about forgetting something. 

“What was that about?” Benji chuckles quietly as he stops in front of his own locker and spins the dial.

“You saw that?” Victor scrunches his nose.

“Yeah, you looked pretty embarrassed, I should have taken a picture.”

“Hey!” Victor growls and playfully punches Benji in the arm, “it was pretty embarrassing though, I can never show up to Geometry class ever again."

Benji only raises an eyebrow, silently indicating that he needs more context.

“She’s _apparently_ in my geometry class, and asked me to go to the dance with her.” 

“Oh.” Benji states flatly, his tone indescribable. 

“Yeah, I said no though.” Victor shrugs, biting his lip as he thinks back to the awkward encounter just a few minutes prior. 

“Oh,” Benji says, this time his voice dripping with interest and possibly slight enthusiasm, “how come?”

“It’s like nobody at this school knows me,” Victor dramatically drops his head into his hands, “I don’t want to go to the dance, especially the _Valentine’s_ day dance! The love, the happiness, the puppies, and kittens and pink hearts and red roses and chocolate candy, oh God I’m gonna be sick.”

“You are the most dramatic person I’ve ever met.” Benji grins and shakes his head. 

“Why thank you, kind sir.” Victor places one hand over his stomach and the other in the air and bows. 

“I’m sure there’s at least one person in this school that you’ve got a little crush on.” 

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Either way, it’s never going to happen, so there’s no point anyway.”

“You never know.” is all Benji says before he shuts his locker and leads Victor to his first period.

**

They’re about halfway through biology when Benji slides Victor a small folded piece of paper. ‘ _Open me_ ’ with a small smiley face written on the front of it as well as a tiny heart. Victor looks over and raises an eyebrow but the boy is now facing directly down at his worksheet and working on his assigned problems as if he hadn’t even moved. However, he notices a corner of his paper is torn off. 

‘ _Meet me by our lockers after class, I have to tell you something._ ’ is all the note says. However, it’s written in a beautiful cursive that he would probably butcher if he tried to copy it. The I’s are also doted with hearts and Victor could tell he was doing it to mess with him.

“Benji.” Victor pokes him in the side and watches as Benji ignores him, however, a smile begins to plaster across his face.

“Victor, no talking.” Mr. Parker demands, voice startling him and making him jump. He hits his knee on the corner of the table and curses under his breath as he rubs in gently with the palm of his hand.

He hears Benji next to him chuckle quietly and so he flips him off under the table. 

**

“Alright, this better be worth me getting yelled at in the middle of class.” Victor scolds as he approaches Benji standing with his back against their set of lockers. He had left the class as soon as the bell rang and didn’t even wait for Victor to catch up to him despite both of them heading to the same place.

He notices a girl trying to get to the locker that Benji was standing in front of and watches as he awkwardly steps out of the way, nearly tripping over himself and falling face-first onto the floor.

Luckily Victor quickly reaches his hands out and steadies him before he can make a fool of himself in the middle of the crowded hallway.

“Smooth.” 

“Oh shush.” Benji glares. 

“Okay okay,” he laughs, “really though, what is this about?”

Benji doesn’t respond and instead looks around and watches as the other students slowly begin to leave the building. Victor only observes in confusion as he waits for the boy to respond, peaked interest now increasing.

Eventually, there are only a few other students in the hall but they are far enough away to where you could barely hear them. 

“I have to tell you something. Something that’s been on my mind for a while now..and I’m not sure how you’ll take it but I have to say it.” Benji speaks slowly, clearly thinking over every word before it comes out.

“Okay…well you don’t have to worry, you know you can tell me anything.” Victor offers, noticing the other boy's worry and attempting to soothe it. 

Benji looks around one more time before he sucks in a deep breath and speaks just above a whisper, 

“I like you.”

It’s like the surface of the earth actually cracks then. That’s what it feels like. Because one minute Victor and Benji are just friends. They study together and talk to each other about whatever new show they’re watching, but in an instant, it’s transformed into something more. Something more than just two guys who are classmates, it's something deeper, and Victor can’t handle it. 

“W-what do you mean?” 

“I mean…I like you, Victor. Like…Like I want to be with you. And maybe I’m wrong but I’ve always felt like there was something different between us, something _special_ even, and maybe you have felt it too…Have you?”

It’s too much. Too much too fast and Victor feels his head as it pounds to the beat of his heart that’s increasing in speed by the millisecond. He feels his throat close because there are so many things he wants to say, so many things he wants to do, but he can’t.

“I can’t.” is all he can manage to get out.

“W-What do you mean you can’t?”

“Like…I can’t, I just can’t do _this_.” He uses his finger to gesture between the two of them and hopes Benji doesn’t notice how much it’s shaking. He pulls his hand back quickly and tucks it into the pocket of his hoodie. 

“I don’t understand,” His eyebrows now knitted together, “if you don’t like me... like...I get it, and I would never pressure you… but what can’t you do? I just want to understand.”

“Us,” He almost yells, “I just can’t be with you.”

“Why?” He’s pleading, and Victor thinks he physically feels his heart shatter into a million pieces at the desperation in his voice.

“I...can’t tell you,” He feels tears prickling in his eyes so he looks up directly into the light in an attempt to blink them away, “love just isn’t for someone like me.”

“Love is for everyone.” Benji defends. Victor isn’t looking towards him but he can feel his gaze burn into him like hot lasers. He feels his stomach drop and his chest begin to ache.

“No,” he speaks, barely audible, “love is only for the brave…” He shakes his head and looks back down. He locks eyes with Benji and instantly regrets it as he feels his gaze pierce through him. He feels his eyes on him as they dance across his face, clearly searching for something. “I’m not brave.”

The two of them stand there for a while, both unsure of what to say or whether to leave or not. Victor almost says something after a few minutes but Benji gets a call from presumably one of his parents,

“I have to go.” His voice is deeper than usual and pain ever-present in the words as they come out. 

Victor doesn’t say anything, only watches as he slowly walks past him and down the hallway behind him. Victor doesn’t dare to glance back and doesn’t move until he hears the front door of the school close, echoing through the now painfully quiet and empty corridor. 

Screw love.

**

It was a long night. Victor probably got a total of 2 hours of sleep because no matter how hard he tried he could not stop thinking. He had tried his usual methods of cleaning or watching a movie or listening to music, but everything he did reminded him of Benji. 

When he listened to music he thought about the time when Benji had come over and they had swapped playlists. When he watched a movie he had thought about the time that they had watched a movie in class and Benji slowly fell asleep next to him. 

He would be lying if he said that he didn’t cry because really he couldn’t stop crying. 

He truly didn’t understand what he did to deserve a life as hard as is. One where he had the chance to be with someone he really liked but couldn’t. Couldn’t because he wasn’t ready, wasn’t allowed. Not when he had a family who was moments away from breaking. One who needed him to be their support. One that definitely didn’t need a _gay_ son.

He wanted it so badly. To be one of those people who got to celebrate anniversaries and buy flowers and spend all night talking about the future with someone that he really cared about, but it was never going to happen. 

And now his relationship with Benji would never be the same. How can he look at someone who he knows he hurt so badly, and who makes him hurt as well. When he had broken up with his ‘girlfriend’ back in Texas, he had talked to the counselor and managed to get his schedule switched so that he never had to see her.

He didn’t like feelings. Sad ones especially, more so when it was someone else who was upset. He could handle himself being upset, he was probably upset most of the time, but seeing someone he cares about in a bad place made him want nothing more than to take away all their pain and place it on himself.

He doesn’t even want to go to school the next day but he knows his parents would only ask questions if he stayed home so he forces himself to get up. He’s slow and is nearly late to first period but he’s proud he makes it in time. 

It was going to be a long day but thankfully it was Friday and he would be able to spend the entire weekend without having to interact with anyone outside of his own home.

**

It’s 2 minutes before third period and Benji has still not shown up to his locker. Victor couldn’t blame him though, he isn’t sure that he necessarily wanted to see him either. He could only imagine how hard it would be to talk to him after everything that went down yesterday. But at the same time, he wanted to make sure that he was okay. 

He knew it wasn’t his own fault, but it also wasn’t Benji’s either. He just hoped that things could go back to normal and maybe one day in the future they could laugh about it. Maybe at Benji’s wedding he could be his best man and in his toast he could make a reference to this time. 

But for now, here he was, walking to third period alone for the first time in a long time. He couldn’t help but think about where Benji was. If maybe he grabbed everything he needed before class purposefully so that he wouldn’t have to see Victor, or if he didn’t even bother to show up today. 

He messes with the hem of his shirt as he walks, trying to keep his mind on anything else but as usual, it was hard. Hard to think about anything else besides the cute boy in his biology class. The boy with the perfectly slicked back hair and muscley jaw. The boy with the kind heart and beautiful eyes. The boy with the wide smile and quiet laugh. The boy who he could feel himself falling for harder with every passing minute. 

** 

It’s finally the last class of the day and Victor had been equally anticipating and dreading it. On one hand, as soon as it was over he could go home and not have to deal with anything for an entire weekend, but on the other hand, it was biology class. Which meant over an entire hour of sitting next to the boy whose heart he broke and who was breaking his as well. 

He almost thinks that Benji isn’t going to show up until he spots him from across the classroom. As soon as his eyes fall onto him he feels his heart shoot up into his throat so fast he nearly chokes. 

His hair is disheveled, strands flying in several different directions, yet still perfect. He’s wearing light blue jeans and a white long sleeve that clings to his biceps and hangs loosely around his waist. Across his fingers are several different rings, most of them he’s seen but some are new and never before worn. He’s also wearing a skinny silver chain that hangs low on his chest. His backpack hangs off one shoulder and his phone is clutched tightly in one of his hands.

Benji looks over and when their eyes meet Victor feels the entire world shift on its axis. His usual shining eyes now dull, the life that had usually coursed through them no longer present. 

Victor sends him a wave to test the waters and Benji responds with a quick nod before looking down at his phone as he begins to walk over to take his seat next to him. 

“Hey.” Victor says as he kicks out the other boy’s chair with his foot so that he could sit down. 

“Hi.”

“Cool rings…never seen some of those before.” 

“Yeah, thanks. My dad gave them to me.” 

“Cool.” 

Victor gnaws on the inside of his cheek, the weight of the conversation pressing down onto him like a pile of bricks. He almost feels like he can’t breathe so he looks away and keeps his gaze either down at his desk or up at the teacher for the majority of class.

It’s then however, about 15 minutes into class when his teacher asks them to pull out a piece of paper and pencil to take notes. He consciously reaches into the back pocket of his backpack and realizes that, as per usual, he didn’t have one.

Victor’s nearly prepared to spend the entire class pretending to take notes until he notices Benji look him over out of the corner of his eye before pulling out another pencil from his bag and sliding it over to him across the table.

Victor sends him a nod to show his thanks and slowly draws it up to his face to look it over. It’s freshly sharpened and the eraser is untouched, but as he looks at it closely he notices that written along the side in thin black marker are two words. _Victor’s Pencil._

**

Throughout the lesson, Victor makes a few quick remarks as he usually did and Benji laughs, however not as genuinely as usual. This time it's restrained and he can feel the pain hidden beneath, aching to be let out. 

Victor truly just wants to be there for him but he knows he’s the last person who can be. He would give anything to forget yesterday happened but he can tell there’s no going back. He knew that no matter what, their conversation from the day prior will always weigh on top of them no matter what they did. 

Maybe nobody would acknowledge it, but they’ll both feel it, they’ll both know it's there. The unspoken words that the two of them are too afraid to say hanging around them like shining stars in the sky.

Never in his life has he ever cared more about himself than anyone else, but now here he was, wishing that for just once he could have one nice thing. Even if it meant losing everything else, he wanted to reach out and grab Benji and tell him he was in love with him. For once in his life he didn’t think about what his family would do or what his friends would say, all he thinks about is how much he wants to kiss the boy next to him.

But he doesn’t. He was a _coward_. He was _scared_. And being anything but brave had no place in a relationship.

The class finally ends after a grueling hour and a half that felt like it was going on forever. Victor waves goodbye to Benji before heading out the door and never taking a look back. He hoped that maybe the weekend was something that they both needed in order to think things over. He hoped that maybe on Monday he and Benji would meet by their lockers before third period like they always did and everything would be back to normal. He hoped, and that’s all he did.

**

It’s Sunday night when he cries again. His ‘peaceful’ weekend was truly anything but peaceful. His parents had been arguing about just about anything they could think of so of course he had spent nearly his entire day both Saturday and Sunday being the mediator. A role he had taken on since he was young. 

It not only drained him mentally but he was also physically exhausted. As soon as his parents went to bed he immediately got under his sheets and laid there, mind swarming a thousand miles a second. He hadn’t even had the time to think about Benji all weekend, whether that was a good thing or not he wasn’t really sure. 

He had thought about texting him but he wasn’t sure what to say or if Benji would even want to hear from him. They were still friends, right?

But now here he was, Sunday night or technically Monday morning because it was 2 am and Victor was still awake. He has to get up for school in about 5 hours but he couldn’t stop thinking about his family. He’d usually call Felix when he was stressed out about them since he was the only one who knew about the whole situation but he didn’t want to burden him so late in the night.

Instead, he pulls up the contact of the person who managed to help him forget about everything and hovers over the call button. One, it was two in the morning and he was probably asleep, but two, he really wanted to talk to someone, and for some reason that someone was Benji. 

Well, he knew the reason. But he didn’t dare to acknowledge it. He had accepted the fact that he was falling in love with the boy but he also knew that he couldn’t do anything about it. So he pushes those feelings down as far as he could and presses the dial button.

He decides that he will call him once and if he answers then it’s fate and he will tell him everything, however, if he doesn’t, it’s probably for the best and he’ll keep to himself like he’d been doing for the past countless years. 

He sucks on his lip once the first ring goes through. He wipes his nose with this sleeve but nearly hits himself in the face out of shock when the call goes through after the third ring.

“Hello?”

“H-hey, Benji…it’s Victor.”

“Yes I know…you know I have you saved as a contact right?” Victor can’t see his face but he can almost picture a small grin as the words leave his mouth. He missed this, their talks, even though it's only been 2 days since the last time they’d talked, he craved it. 

“Oh, yeah of course,” he coughs, “so how’re you doin?” 

Victor thinks he hears a chuckle, 

“You called me at two in the morning to ask me how I’m doing?” 

“Well no,” He lets out a laugh as well, “it's silly but I don’t know…I just needed to talk to someone and Felix probably isn’t awake—n-not that I’d rather be talking to him right now I just mean like—I wanted to talk to you.” Embarrassment swells within his chest as he catches himself rambling and he slaps his forehead lightly with the palm of his hand. 

“Wow, I’m flattered…but how come you’re up? somethin’ wrong?”

Victor’s breath hitches as he thinks over what exactly he wants to say. 

And maybe its because he was so sleep deprived that he doesn’t think everything through, or maybe it’s because he’s so mentally exhausted that he can’t hold it in anymore, but next thing he knows he’s sobbing, openly, unashamedly, and bluntly.

Within an instant it’s like the glass wall that had been surrounding him his entire life and protecting the outside world from who he really was is shattered. He crumples in on himself, phone pressed between his ear and the mattress as he hears the concern in Benji’s voice calling out to him. 

From the other end of the line Benji is counting slowly, trying to get Victor to even out his breathing, and eventually he calms down enough to be able to speak clearly. 

It’s then that he tells Benji everything. He tells him about his family who fights every chance they get and about his siblings who were constantly getting in trouble at school and for the first time in his entire life he tells someone that he’s gay. 

He didn’t initially mean for the words to come out but as each secret spilled out another one quickly followed. And Benji listens. He never once interrupts, only speaking when it’s silent, muttering quiet ‘ _it’s okay’s_ ’ and ‘ _I’m so sorry’s_ ’. 

Once the words leave his mouth he feels the headache that was ever-present begin to dull for the first time in a long time. He feels the pressure on his shoulders begin to evaporate and his eyes begin to dry.

He isn’t sure how long they stay on the phone, he only decides that he should hang up when he notices the sun slowly starting to peek through his window, he knew he should probably get some sleep, even if it was just for a little bit. 

And for the first time in a long time, he falls asleep almost instantly. He doesn’t think about anything but the boy on the phone who now knew everything about him and still chose to be there for him. No matter how many faults he shared or how broken he was inside, he was still there, still listening and willing to pick up the pieces and put him back together. 

**

Victor’s alarm goes off and he shoots out of bed. Normally he was one to lay there for a few minutes and procrastinate getting ready until he absolutely had to, however, today was different. He woke up determined. He knew exactly what he was going to do and exactly how he was going to do it. 

He immediately heads over to his closet and picks out his nicest pair of jeans and pairs it with his usual green hoodie. He layers his favorite blue denim jacket with a sherpa collar on top of it before tugging on his backpack and shoes and immediately heading out the door.

School didn’t start for another 30 minutes by the time he finally got there but he knew exactly where he was going. He heads to the back wall of the main hallway and notices that the line for the ticket booth is significantly shorter than it had been days before. He mentally cheers as he didn't want to be standing in a line all morning.

He recognizes Mia and Andrew and a couple of people from his other classes in line but he just sends them a quick wave before pulling out his phone as he waits. He makes it to the front of the line about 10 minutes later and he purchases two tickets. Lake’s working the booth today however and she sends him a questionable look when she spots him, 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mr. Anti-love buying tickets to the _Valentine’s_ Day dance. I hate to say I told you so but…”

He shows her the finger before she can finish her sentence but bursts into laughter as her mouth comically drops open.

He eventually gets his tickets and tucks them into his back pocket before heading over to his locker and leaning against it. 

It was crazy to think that he was standing here waiting for Benji when just a couple of days prior he was here on the verge of tears thinking about how he would never be able to be in this situation. But for once in his life, in his entire 16 years of being alive, he doesn’t think. 

He doesn’t think about his family or the consequences of what he wants to do, he doesn’t think about his friends or random people in the hallway who will look at him a little differently, instead, he thinks about Benji.

He thinks about picking him up to go to school when he finally gets his license, he thinks about going out to eat at a fancy restaurant and making fun of all the rich people who complain about their food, and he thinks about endless nights spent together talking about anything and everything. 

When Benji finally shows up to his locker after what feels like years but was more likely 5 minutes his eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth is agape, however, there is slight concern hidden beneath the expression,

“Oh hey Victor, how are you feelin?”

“Honestly Benji, I feel good, and it’s thanks to you…thanks for letting me share all that with you...I hope it wasn’t a burden. I know I got a little rambly at times.”

“It’s all you. You were strong enough to tell me,” He grins, “maybe you _are_ brave after all.”

“I want to be,” Victor exhales slowly, “Well, you make me want to be.” 

Victor turns so that he’s directly facing Benji, the other boy’s eyes widened with interest, mouth now closed tightly, 

“Now I haven’t choreographed a flash mob or spent all of my families money on a thousand dollar ring but…” Victor reaches behind him and pulls out the tickets he had tucked into his pocket, “would you maybe... want to go to the Valentine's day dance with me?” 

He extends out a single ticket and patiently waits as Benji’s eyes dart between the ticket and his face, scared that if he moves too quickly that Victor would retreat,

“But, what about ‘screw love’?” he uses air quotes around the words which makes Victor burst into a fit of laughter.

“Maybe screw it a little less, as long as it’s with you.” 

Benji’s grin then widens impossibly large before he grabs the ticket and stares down at it. 

“Are you sure you’re ready for this? For me? For everything? What about your parents-” Victor cuts his off before he can continue.

“I’m ready.” Victor nods slowly. He feels his vision blur and before he thinks about it a second too long he quickly wraps his hands around Benji’s neck and pulls him closer until their lips meet. As soon as they connect it’s as if a spark of electricity is shot through his entire body. 

He doesn’t think about the people around him who may be staring or his family at home who may break once they find out about everything. Instead, he melts into the touch as Benji's hands snake up his arms and rest atop of them. All he thinks about is the boy wrapped up in his arms, and that’s possibly all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading <3 also if u couldn't tell I loosely based this fic off the song "only the brave" by louis tomlinson bc it fits their dynamic so well ! i definitely recommend listening to it with them in mind !!


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